About two months into this continuous regimen, I sensed an uneasiness — as if the "check engine light" of our marriage was illuminated. I felt as though there was something between my wife and I, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I shut the laptop.
"Sarah, how are things between us? I think we need to 'pop the hood' on our marriage. Right now."
She stopped chewing her sandwich and stared at me. Immediately, the floodgates of my wife's soul opened! Unspoken words were spoken, unvoiced frustrations found their voice, and finally, intimacy and adoration shone in her eyes. I had shown her that I care. I may be dense at times, but at least I care and I notice when the "check engine light" gleams.
Marriage requires awareness. Hardened hearts can dull awareness. Continual disregard of the needs of your spouse leads to marital decay.
These are three, often unspoken, difficulties of marriage — and ways to manage them:
Difficulty #1: Marriage is high-maintenance. When we consider something to be high-maintenance, we imagine something or someone that is annoying, draining, or more trouble than it's worth. However, just because something can't self-sustain or self-repair doesn't make it useless or bothersome.
It simply means that with attention and care, it will thrive, produce results, and even bring joy. Likewise, marriage requires care and attention. Marriage requires continual sacrifice, interest and self-investment. At the end of every day, your marriage is still there. And this covenant is not going to honor itself.
Maintenance tip: "Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds…" Proverbs 27:23
Know your spouse. What was the most significant event of your spouse's week?
What does your marriage look like when it is healthy? Do you know how it looks when it is unhealthy? Safeguard your time and prioritize your marriage to the top of your list. Simply and practically: go on dates often.
Difficulty #2: My wife is high-maintenance. We're not roommates, we're husband and wife! Will doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash fulfill my wife in and of themselves? Absolutely not.
Maintenance tip: Evaluate your routines. Make "talking time" a routine. I once read of a man who put an armchair next to his wife's side of the bed. He carved out his evenings to listen to his wife and share his own thoughts, concerns, affirming words, etc.
Difficulty #3. I am high-maintenance. I'm not always the easiest guy to live with, sadly. (Can men get mood swings?) Discouragement strikes, leaving me dry. Work-related stress depletes me, leaving my family lacking in receiving the love that naturally (or supernaturally!) abounds from my relationship with Christ.
Maintenance tip: Abide in Christ (Jn. 15:4). An abiding relationship in closeness to the Lord connects us to the love of God, and through this unearthly, undiluted love, we become overflowing streams (Jn. 7:38) to refresh others.The only hope I have in becoming a better a husband is the hope that all men have: Jesus.
Marriage is high-maintenance. I can't neglect my spouse for a month and expect smooth-sailing. I am learning to anticipate the needs of my wife and discern when rough waters are on the horizon. Thank God for course correction!
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